The trouble with the fake boyfriend is that he is just that, fake. He is your illusion, your fantasy, but that is all. He is not real. He is not attainable. He is usually not even near. And if he is, he is probably taken, has a girlfriend, is engaged, is married, because he, your fake boyfriend, is perfect. You've hyped him up in your head, but from what you see, it's no wonder he's not free. He's funny, he's cute as can be, he's talented, he is entertaining, he is the kind of man you want in your life. So you entertain this fantasy that you know isn't real, but it helps you to not feel so lonely, until it doesn't. And you're freaking out over the impeding new year, unable to breathe, gasping for air inside a U2 tribute show. Wondering how the hell you go to be so sad that you fall for the men who aren't able to love you back? And don't confuse this with a little girl crush. I'm not a girl, I'm a woman. Don't confuse this with a crush for a persona. It's the man I want, not the image. It's not Gilda I want, it's Rita Hayworth, you get the idea. Not the person who makes everyone laugh and performs and is all smiles and jokes, I want the real person who has their ups and downs, the one who is human. That person who seems insecure and sometimes a little bit mean and is perverted and enjoys playing along to jokes. But that person is already taken and so at 11:20 on New Year's Eve, you, or I, have an emotional crisis in the midst of a hangover, feeling so sad and so pathetic that I've fallen yet again for an unattainable man and am starting the year sad and lonely.
And yes, this is cliché and I know that a man doesn't define me and I am me. But being me is so hard lately. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to hang out. But I do it, because otherwise I'll get sad even more. So I put on a smile and I laugh and I drink and I pretend like everything is okay. And I joke about my pretend boyfriend but inside at the end of the night I feel so blue because my baby's in black and he's never coming back, because he was never here to begin because he is my fake boyfriend.
Current Mood: lonely